I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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