Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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