There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
