your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
