you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
