Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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