it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
