dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
