Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
