I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
