i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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