took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
