I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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