i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
