I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
