terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
