Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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