Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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