My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
