from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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