just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
