he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
