Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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