after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
