She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
