But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
