Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
