I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
