Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
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