The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
