he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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