Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
