I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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