Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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