Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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