that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
