Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
