Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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