I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I deserve this hangover.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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