carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
