Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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