Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
