cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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