Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
