Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
