i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
