If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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