I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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