News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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