Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
