my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
