If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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