I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
