there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
