i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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