walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
