I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
