Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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