Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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