"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
