The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
