i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
