you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
