this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
