you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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