your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
they need to just BURY HIM!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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